The New Year’s Resolution-ists

So here we are in the New Year, a time for renewal, new beginnings, a second chance to correct all the failures of the past year—right?  Well, I guess I am the eternal pessimist where this is concerned.  Every New Years Eve at midnight (shortly after the loving kiss to your partner), we make a new promise(s) of things that we are going to improve over the next twelve months.  These pledges (New Year’s Resolutions) include: stop smoking, lose weight, make more money, be a better partner or just become a better person in general.

Noble as all these promises seem, we, as a society, really suck at keeping them.  For many, the resolutions we make rarely last more than a week or two before the excuses to quit them begin.  Our resolve to keep these promises fail in a myriad of different excuses that prevent us from keeping our word.  Yet, every year, we the people, make these silly promises.

I have an example that I want to share with you; the average American’s promise to lose weight and get back into shape.  So, what does this promise require of us, what is necessary to accomplish this lofty goal?  Of course, the first thing that comes to mind is dieting, that horrible culinary nightmare that usually consists of celery sticks and carrots.  Don’t forget the diet shakes and frozen meals that all the celebrities love to pimp to pad their already rich nest eggs.

Then there is the solution that always promises the desired results—workout clubs.  Every year, millions of Americans suffering from done-lop (belly done lopped over the belt) disease flock to their nearest 24/7/365, state of the art workout club.  They plunk down the discounted amount of money (as promised by the latest TV and Radio Ads) for an annual membership that will lead them to the promised land.

Then it begins, the steps that will reduce our pant sizes, improve our health and restore our dignity at the local bar or the popular party set.  But first, you must go out and buy the most trendy, expensive workout outfit that money can buy.  Then, of course, you need all the best technology pieces that will enable you to text while working out (you can’t expect them to live without that).  Add in a trendy water bottle and the ensemble is complete.

What happens next, I have witnessed for myself and continue to be very amused by it.  On January 2 the workout clubs are flooded with new faces, the place is wall-to-wall with health conscience wannabees.  Several new faces pack the place with the same goal; to fulfill their New Year’s resolution.

What used to be a daily concert of keeping fit now becomes a dance with the clueless.  People who work out on a regular basis have routines that they develop to challenge their body’s resistant to change.  This routine usually includes numbered sets of exercises that work in symphony with muscles to increase their size or definition and usually remove that old demon—fat.

Introduce the workout newbies who are not even sure of how the process works and you have a cluster f___k with no rhyme or reason.  I have been through this and always found it incredibly annoying.  For example; I would complete a set of a routine on a weight machine, I would then move to a different machine for a different muscle group.  Upon arrival at the next machine, you find a newbie setting there texting their friends or checking their stocks for the latest price change.  Or maybe it is the person who has no idea how to adjust a machine or for that matter how it works.

Here’s my personal favorite; “the coffee klatch”, yes, the group of four or more people who must catch up on the week’s events.  Most exercise routines include a brief rest period then you start the next exercise, this is tough to do when every machine that meets your needs are clogged with people marveling over little Jimmy’s first fart.  Some of these aspiring health nuts do get training from the club staff, but even that is annoying as the staff must spend 20 minutes or more demonstrating a machine.  You spend your entire time at the club trying to modify your routine to accommodate the clueless wonder who circles a machine 5 times before going to get assistance.

Ah, then there is the track (if the club has one), where there are some simple rules to follow, including which direction to go and that slow traffic must stay to the inside part of the lanes.  It never fails that there are four walkers on the track, walking abreast of each other, blocking the entire track.  This klatch always includes the deep conversations such as; who is sleeping with who, who had a tummy tuck or (and this is my favorite) “you will never guess what he/she said”.

The last part of your routine generally includes some variety of cardiovascular workout, this includes cross trainers, bikes or rowing machines.  This area never fails to contain a laugh or two.  My favorite is the person on the bike who is barely peddling fast enough to remove the accumulated dust from the machine (assuming they don’t clean this club), let alone boost their cardio level above that of a comatose person.  And of course, every machine is taken by these fitness dreamers who are not walking or peddling fast enough to disturb a fly or mix cake batter.

But wait, there’s more!  The flood of newly resolved exercisers occurs during the best workout hours of the day; before work and after work—yea!  It’s not bad enough that you must fight bumper-to-bumper traffic both on the way to work and coming home which adds to unhealthy stress. Now you have the same dilemma at the one place where you try to find some peace and a semblance of achievement.  It is as bad as a crowded store but at least at the club, you can normally take out your aggression in a productive (and for that matter–legal) way.

There is good news, my friends, the duration of this fresh new hell is generally less than a month.  Usually by mid-February, around Valentines Day, most of the revolutionists disappear, they have already given up on their goal because they have not lost 50 pounds or 5 pant sizes.  So, take heart, this workout dilemma is short lived, thank God for the lack of commitment.

All right, I know what you are thinking, you have seen the photos of old Grumpy and it is obvious that he hasn’t been in a workout facility in a while.  Well, I guess that will be my resolution for this New Year, to return to the workout club and get back into shape, wait, oh shit, I will be one the revolutionists! Happy New Year!

Talk To Ya Later

The Grumpy Old Fart Customer @2019 all Rights Reserved