And Then Fireworks Went Off!

So, as we approach another birthday of our nation, we are once again blanketed by the fireworks stands that open all across the fruited plains.  Drive down any interstate (especially in the Midwest) and you will pass one of these vendor-delights every couple of miles.  They dot the landscape like fruit stands displaying their freshly grown crop.  As a kid growing up, my cousin and I lived for our parents taking us on a trip to find those explosive delights.  Today, I am not so inclined to get excited about fireworks as I did during my childhood, however, out of a bit of personal nostalgia I thought I might check them out.

I found a stand fairly close to my home, a large tent with all the appeal of a small hometown circus or a family of gypsies, complete with the frilly style fringes on its exterior.  Inside was a mass of inventory crammed together so tightly that a dropped match would cause an explosion that would be heard for miles.  This might explain the billboard size “do not smoke signs” that stand like Trump’s wall outside of the tent.  This was surely the gypsy/carny version of roadside sales that used to be commonplace, complete with hawkers who nearly accost you at the entrance of the tent.  What a show.

Sometime later, much to my surprise, I discovered that fireworks stores have gone mainstream and are now located in strip malls.  I guess since store space in strip malls rent out for virtually nothing these days, it provides the perfect opportunity for fireworks retailers to look more professional, shedding the carnival hawker image that has prevailed for years.  This new approach comes complete with websites and all the regular social media outlets, thus moving fireworks into the same retail category as your local jewelry or hardware store.  They are even getting into charitable and political events the same as you would see on a small farm store or even car sales site.

Then there is the multitude of today’s fireworks.  I remember growing up as a kid in the 1970’s when all we really had for fireworks were firecrackers, bottle rockets, sparklers, and the occasional roman candle.  There were a few more “exotic items” like the screamers which only worked about ten percent of the time.  It was all fairly simple back then, you picked up a coke bottle (glass), a few cans and those were your launch pads.  At dusk on the 4th of July, you went out into your mom and dad’s backyard and lit everything off.

Today, it is a different story, walk into any of your local retail fireworks outlets and it is like stepping into a military-industrial complex showroom or an arms dealer’s shop.  There are fireworks that should easily be classified as military weapons, in fact, I saw some third world country leaders lining up an arsenal to take back to their country for war.  Ok, I exaggerate for effect, but I did find this one explosive device that makes the “Mother of All Bombs” (MOAB) look like a firecracker.  And there are bottle rockets that can shoot down enemy aircraft and sparklers that could be used as torches while exploring caves.  The “M80’s” and “Wildcats” of my era have been replaced by things that look like sticks of dynamite.

These new retail outlets are a mind blower, there are seemingly endless rows of every kind fireworks known to man.  In fact, in the store that is located in my town, they actually have rows of internationally produced fireworks and explosive visual effects.  End cap displays with numerous “buy-one-get-one-free offers are found on every aisle.  When I was a kid, the little local fireworks stand had mostly shelves that were located behind the stand’s owner and you had to ask for a pack of whatever type of firework that you wanted.  Today, the stores look like supermarkets and have so much inventory that you can actually color-coordinate your fireworks.

In my younger days, there were always little mishaps with some of the fireworks (not much explosive powder in them back then) where the only thing that was injured was your ego.  There were always a couple of short-fused firecrackers or bottle rockets with short sticks that always provided the tense moments.  My cousin once tried to throw a short-fused firecracker after lighting it (against my advice), as he drew back to let it go, it went off in his hand, singeing his fingers and leaving a ringing in his ears.  The defective bottle rocket simply came back at you, causing you to flee while screaming like a sissy.

With the firepower of today’s fireworks, parts of the body get blown away, as evidenced by a star football player who lost part of his hand while “mishandling” fireworks.  In the case of the missiles (formerly referred to as bottle rockets) homes suffer blown out windows, structural damage or get burned to the ground.  Serious injuries are so common that emergency rooms experience their busiest times during the 4th of July holiday.  In addition to the extra added power included in today’s fireworks is the mishandling aspect that results in these accidents.

Parental guidance has disappeared and the “jack-ass” factor reigns supreme.  I believe that there should be training programs and certification required before you can purchase fireworks.  This was the case with the professional level fireworks which seem to be available to the general public now.  There are city laws which are supposed to restrict the shooting off of fireworks in neighborhoods and other areas, but I have rarely seen those laws enforced.  Another factor that seems to prevail here is our desire to blow things up and to make the explosions more powerful every year.  It’s like we are obsessed with the power of the explosion and not just the bang or color that use to give us thrills.

I have also discovered that there are now actually fireworks superstores that are as large as small supermarkets.  Now, you can buy fireworks by the pallet load, giving you the same explosion capabilities as allied nations who purchase weapons from us.  This holiday tradition is now more like an obsession, we are no longer celebrating the meaning of it all but rather trying to outdo our neighbor with bigger explosions.

Finally, there is the cost of these explosives, in some cases, families are spending between $200-300 for the evening’s entertainment.  Since virtually every firework is built in China have the tariffs driven up the costs?  So have a great 4th of July as you sit around wondering if your house will get burned to the ground by some jackass idiot in your neighborhood who is irresponsibly lighting off small missiles with no idea of where they will land.

Talk to Ya Later

The Grumpy Old Fart Customer @2019 All Rights Reserved