Shopping For Antacids Gives Me Heartburn!

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As you get older and enter into the final phase of life, you know, the last 30 years (he says with great optimism and extreme hope), you discover that your diet is becoming a source of great discomfort, especially at bedtime.  Many of the foods that you used to love, have now turned on you like mutinous sailors on a doomed ship.  The occurrence of heartburn is now an everyday thing as regular as all of your other bodily functions.  You must now find a pill that will help you get through these rough seas (sorry about all of the metaphorical rambling here, just trying to put a pretty face on a gastrointestinal nightmare).

So, it’s off to your favorite mega-store, mine, of course, is the store that promises “everyday low prices”.  Once you locate the toiletries and meds department, you then have to search for the isle and shelve that contains your miracle relief.  Once you find the right aisle with the antacids, you stand in front of a shelve that must have at least 200 different over-the-counter remedies for acid indigestion.  Seriously, who knew that such a common issue for those of us who are swiftly approaching dotage land, could have so many options of a solution?

After trying to read every brand and bottle on the shelf I am left bewildered, without a clue as to which one of these corporate pharmaceutical wonders will help me regain my digestive dignity.  Remember back in the day when you were shopping for the right parts for your car (i.e. windshield wipers or oil)?  Indeed, there were 100’s of options but there was always a little book that hung from the shelve that could help you find the right option that best fit your autos needs.  In the case of windshield wipers, there were always model numbers, year of manufacture and number of doors on the car.  For things like batteries, there was also the engine size and number of cold cranking amps that you needed (in states with winter months).

Why can’t they do the same thing for all of these antacid choices?  You know, a book hanging from the shelf that lists your age, height, weight, hair color and sex.  Maybe what kind of foods you ate last night, what did you drink, what time did you go to bed or maybe even what television program you watched before going to bed?  After you find the med that has the check marks next to all of your qualifiers then you have found the best option to treat the four-alarm fire that is happening in your gastrointestinal compartment.   Without this method, you are simply guessing and having to do trial and error which could end in many sleepless nights while trying to find the answer.

Maybe they could provide a sliding scale that ranges from a 1 to a 10 in terms of discomfort.  The number one represents a slight burning discomfort accompanied by the occasional belch, a ten being a raging fire that includes gas that will chase your loved one to the sofa for the night.  The scale could be color coded with red being the obviously most distressed level.  Maybe you could have audio ratings with a speaker below each choice, with belch noises that range from mild to room clearing obnoxious as the indicator of the level of indigestion that you are hoping to treat.  There is the option of breathalyzer that you could belch into and it would give a readout with the proper recommendation.

All of this may sound absurd but online research offers nothing as the disclaimer always reads “results may vary per individual needs”, no freaking kidding.  It becomes a matter of trying various brands until you stumble upon the right formula and get relief.  Just seems like there ought to be an easier way to solve this issue.  Meanwhile—pardon my belch!

Talk to Ya Later

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