Our Next episode: Mystery of the Vanishing TP or A Real Case of the Arse

It began slowly, at first just 4 at a time, then 8, then 16, and 24, then finally 96 of them all at once.  Experts are puzzled, no one has a solid explanation, these things are just disappearing into thin air.  The police say they are baffled and have no idea how to stop this spree.  The missing character of this unexplainable mystery–toilet paper.  The product that has all the social stigma of the purchase-of-last resort, one that we try to stack our boxes of processed chicken nuggets on in order to make it invisible from prying eyes, as if we don’t have that revolting bodily function.

Why toilet paper, are we heading for an unusually heavy poop season, or is it a sudden shortage of paper (especially the soft variety)?  With the recent outbreak of this unknown and possibly pandemic, maybe even lethal virus, millions of shoppers (maybe even billions) are racing to their local markets to purchase this precious wiping material.  Don’t they understand that toilet paper is really not the most sanitary way of dealing with this heinous-hiney dilemma?  There are better ways of coping with this, keep in mind that prior to the 1960s babies wore cloth diapers and were usually wiped with them.

But, because our civilization has convinced itself that toilet paper is their number one priority during a pandemic outbreak, we have entered into the age of rump-rage, which literally sees people making asses out themselves and fighting over the last available roll.  According to many media outlets, the public has severe anxiety about sanitary cleanliness.  So, we have this potentially lethal virus racing around our country with the news getting worse every day and it is the sanitary condition of your arse that bumps you?  It would make sense to me that various food supplies would disappear more rapidly than paper products, but literally in some instances the newly arrived shipments of TP vanish in minutes once placed on the shelves.

Maybe I have missed something here, can you pour milk on a roll of toilet paper, add some fresh strawberries, maybe a banana and voila’ you have a tasty and slightly fibrous delight.  I know what it is, you can wrap an entire roll around your face which would serve as a mask to protect you against the coronavirus.  This makes a certain amount of sense since medical masks are in short supply with no end of their scarcity in sight. Maybe you can roll out the sheets of TP and use then to seal the doors of your house when doing self-quarantine.  Or, my last guess here is that you can take the rolls and wrap yourself up in a protective cocoon, sealing away the dangers of any virus known or unknown.  An even bigger question is—how many times a day do people wipe their ass?

Recent weeks have seen a new twist on the toilet paper shortage—price gouging. In some cases (witnessed by me) the cost of a package of that tender tushy tissue has more than doubled in price. As this is happening some of the personal care corporations are touting record profits. Once again, we see American corporations sticking it to customers right where you use that most coveted of paper products. These greedy oligarchic raiders are right at home sticking it up the arses of customers and stealing their money, your only hope is that they leave behind some of that precious paper to clean up the mess.

I completely understand the concept of supply and demand, with more demand the price of the product goes up. However, I am dumbfounded by the percentage of increase in cost that is at play here regarding TP, a 20 or 30 percent increase might be expected but not 100%. We as customers are supposed to be protected by anti-gouging rules or laws, but I guess that pandemics are an exclusion situation that allows corporate pirates to plunder at will. This atrocious screwing of customers is not exclusive to TP, but also in the case of certain drugs such as hydroxychloroquine which has been suggested as a potential cure for the pandemic. This drug is currently being prescribed as a treatment for rheumatoid arthritis and once it was given consideration as a pandemic cure, pharmaceutical companies that manufacture the drug seized the opportunity to raise its price, in some cases over 100X. This has totally screwed patients already relying on the drug for comfort but more about that in a future blog.

Meanwhile back to the TP mystery, as I stated earlier there are other more sanitary ways of keeping our gluteus maximus meticulous. Once you realize that toilet paper is manufactured in plants that are usually less than sanitary, do you really want to wipe your back door with it? Why not use cloth material to polish your pucker, then simply wash them out just like the old style of diapers? Bidets have been used in Europe for many years now and simply incorporates water to squirt your smelly freckle and return it to showroom cleanliness. Toilet paper is supposedly environmentally friendly but somehow, I doubt it, given the amount of it that is flushed into our environment every day. Plus, all that constant rubbing of the old rump ring must surely be irritating to our least favorite orifice.

How ironic it seems that during this unsettling chapter in our lives many people feel that the Federal Reserve Bank is turning our money into toilet paper, especially since there has been a run on the real thing all across our nation. Many people in our country have learned little from history, there was a time during recessions and wars where Americans had to use pages out of store catalogs to wipe the old bunghole (to use another term).  We are facing some tough times and unless you can start eating some of this TP, we might want to reorganize our priorities.  Maybe we should look at some different ways of polishing our posterior.  As always, this is just my opinion.

Talk to Ya Later

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