62 is the new 40

Allow me to introduce myself: I am the Grumpy Old Fart Citizen.  The twin brother of the Grumpy Old Fart Customer (maybe you have read him before).  Unlike my twin brother, customer issues are not the only thing that gripes my ass.  I am constantly irritated by many things that go on in our world.  It seems like the list of aggravating events is growing faster now more than ever.  Rarely a day goes by that I do not find my blood racing north to my face.

Let me start off my first visit with you by sharing my most recent irritation.  I recently turned 62 years old (thank you for the belated birthday wishes!).  I have mixed feelings about this age class.  Yes, you are in a higher risk category for health issues.  However, I am still in fairly decent health and physical condition for my sexagenarian age (sounds erotic).  I have not had a major surgery yet and the only thing that plagues me at this point is arthritis.

But here is where the age situation gets indistinct.  I have the pleasure of knowing a few people who comfortably reside beyond the age of eighty.  Oh sure, they have some of the ailments that octogenarians often have.  But they are still active, going out to dinners, movies and doing their own shopping in person (prior to covid-19 of course).  They still do most of their own yard work and other house chores as well.  They continue to be active folks with an active lifestyle.  They have been extremely fortunate.

Now, here is where this whole situation gets muddled and frustrating.  The average life span of the average American is around 76.1 years.  But that stat does not take quality of life into consideration, just the average age of a person’s life.  There are many ailments that can make you life miserable by age 50.  For example: arthritis, which is a very painful and a chronic affliction that can reduce your quality of life.  I inherited rheumatoid arthritis from my mother, with the onset occurring at age 40.  The pain is severe, sometimes limiting motion or simply making it difficult just to do daily activities.   Depending on when you manifest this disease in your system (younger rather than older), by the age 60 the pain can be excruciating.

So, in the grand scheme of things where am I going with this?  Well, my inquisitive friends, it means that its tougher to haul my happy but arthritic ass out of bed without pain every day.  Even in a concerted effort to remain trim and fit, I feel my muscles doing less than they used to.  Throughout my life, I have refrained from weightlifting, instead opting for exercises like Hindu exercises or Navy Seal workouts using your own body weight.  These types of exercises worked better for me as I traveled extensively throughout my career and workout facilities were not always available.  But old Arthur (itis) is starting to make workouts a lot tougher and I am losing some flexibility.  Alas, I fight on.

However, I digress, when someone who is over 80, and has beaten the age odds calls me a young man, I want to throw my mentholated back patch at them.  Or perhaps call them at 2AM when I am awake and in agony.  Look, I am happy for those folks who beat the life span odds, but I hate when they treat me like I am a 25-year-old with enough testosterone to be a porn star.  Or they sound like your parents used to when they didn’t want to take out the trash and made you do it.  You’re still young!

All I am asking for is the respect that my age should afford me.   Maybe something like: “hey you are getting older but still have more piss and vinegar than I do”.  Or “yes you are reaching an advanced age, but your foot isn’t on the banana peel just yet”.  Perhaps I could be referred to as a newer member of the old fogey’s club.  But eighty-year-old folks telling me how young I am just reminds me that I probably have twenty more years of aches and pains.

It is a fact that some folks live to be a healthy 90 years or older.  They are a small percentage, however.  I personally would not want to live that long unless I am pain free—too late! They say you are only as old as you feel, well, somedays I feel kind of young and other days just plain-ass old!  I really love (being facetious here) those drug commercials that show people skipping through fields or frolicking on the beach. Yeah, well kiss my ass, I’m lucky if I can frolic out of bed in the morning.  Besides most of those drugs take years off of your life.

Perhaps there should be a club, say, the Fraternal Order of Fogeys.  You would be eligible for the club at say—60 (that age would work for me).  Among the benefits offered would be a mutual respect of the members and their oldness.  Maybe throw in one of those handicapped parking placards as well.  Certainly, an open bar or happy hour would be a nice touch as well. Anyway, I think it should be acknowledged when you have crossed over into the world of canes, meds and fashionable diapers.  Perhaps you get a gold star on your license plate to signify membership into the old club, which should entitle you to better parking at special events.

Here’s the bottom line, I think it only fair that you are not treated as a kid just because you are a few years younger than those who have beaten the age odds.  Let’s face it, I am now on the down escalator towards those golden years (what a stupid expression).  There is no going back, from here forward it is heating pads and antacid moments, with more than a couple of ibuprofen mixed in.  I just feel like there should be some form of recognition and equality in the aging process.  If my freaking back hurts on some days, I would like the 80 somethings to stop telling me how young I am.

Now, I know that there are medications can help with things like arthritis, thus making quality of life better.  But have you seen the life shortening side effects of some these corporate drugs?  To avoid pain, I can simply die younger (in a very convoluted way I guess it makes sense).  All that I am asking here is for a little respect that my age should afford me.  I feel that you should not have to wait until 80 to be accepted into the old age fraternity.  Just my opinion.  Look forward to chatting with you again.

The Grumpy Old Fart Citizen